Be The Peace

 It’s definitely been a little while since I last wrote, I didn’t even realize!  Time seems to be whizzing by but also feels like it’s standing still. They say time is on our side, but is it?

Having a home base for over two years now has been nothing but wonderful, stability if you will. I love where I live. Over the years instability was something that “jazzed” me. Let’s go, go, go, go, GO!!!! The more that was going was preferred, the newer the experience the better, gimme serotonin boosts 24/7!!! Wow, just writing that exhausts me, geez. For all the years I was moving around, I was far from exhausted. I absolutely loved it. I thought about moving across the country many a times but there were stressors I did not want to deal with that prevented me from actually pulling the trigger.  When I think back though, I put those stressors on myself. I worried about what other people would say to me, why they would be angry or upset, so I chose to avoid the situation altogether. I am not the person who purposely avoids conflict, sometimes conflict is necessary for growth and understanding. I realize I avoided the conflict because I was unsure of myself; who I really was, why I was doing the things I was doing. Were all of my choices genuinely for ME? I can tell you right now that answer was NO. 

My life has taken pivotal events for major change to happen. At the time of the events, which have only been a few, I would question “why??” in a whining, begging for mercy type tone, my soul hurt so bad. It was difficult to see the light that eventually would shine so blindingly bright. We have to be the peace for ourselves, no one else can do it. No one. There will always be conflict within ourselves or with others, there will always be opposition, nothing will always be “vanilla.” Reaching the point of stability, according to how I see it at this present time, well, I wouldn’t change one step ive taken in the past forty five years. The path needing millions of steps to be walked has lead me to clarity, where the fog keeps disappearing.