When Life Makes You

 It’s been a little over three months since I “picked up the pen.” Thinking about it now, I should have, would have liked to have been writing. I thought about this blog daily, literally daily. Translating what was going through my mind onto this electronic forum was not appetizing for me though.

For those who are reading this blog for the first time, in November 2021 I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade III. Fast forward to now, with my seat belt buckles, sunglasses on, and the window down I continue the ride. I mean, that’s what it is, a ride. Filled with red lights and green lights, stop signs and yield signs, left turns and right turns, yellow lights and blinkers. The road does reach a destination, it’s just not quite in sight yet. 

The saying “it is what it is” has become profound for me. Five words put together, forming a concrete meaning for life. Maybe that’s a tattoo in the making actually, beautiful script letters with a small symbol in the mix. Getting back to life, we can make whatever we want of it. I truly believe that. Each one of us holds the key. However, when life makes you, it is what it is, there is nothing but that bull staring you right in the face. It’s like another saying, “numbers don’t lie.” You  just can’t get around the sum total no matter how many different times you add ‘em up. The saying “it is what it is” has allowed me the space to deal with my big C while also understand and see the end goal; being healthy. In my mind, there was just no other way.

Over the years, lots of years to be honest, I suffocated my true self. How I wanted to express myself, what I thought was the appropriate way to “be” instead of how I organically am. Kind of disappointing in a way, shorting myself. How the world see’s me is their issue if they don’t like it, as long as I feel good and being true to my core is the only way. That is how I see things NOW. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not too far off, I haven’t been an entirely different person than my true self over the years. I’ve just made some improvements over the past few months, adding more color and magic if you will. It is unfortunate that it takes an extreme event to “snap us” into life. I’m speaking for myself of course, I just feel like I wasted a ton of right time on the wrong things. But, it is what it is! I can only move forward making things as beautiful as I can, even in darkness. This isn’t a temporary thing either, this will be for the rest of my lifetime. 

I am going to be writing more for sure. I remember every day of the past few months, I’m surprised how my memory is serving me. This entry is not going to touch on any of those days specifically, they are to come. This entry, well, it is the chrysalis. Emerging from a state of darkness with pixie dust on my coat tails.